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Madonna "Hung Up" |
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Guten tag. I’m so running out of ways to say “hey there.”
Greetings from Lemont “The Mont,” Illinois. Unfortunately, my plans for that sexy getaway to Cabo San Lucas with a truck full of horny co-eds didn’t pull through… so spring break this year is being spent in L-Town. Because I can never drive past LHS too many times. Truth be told, the prospect of continuing to spend a majority of my off-school time in Lemont is getting a little frightening. Don’t get me wrong -- it’s fantastic to see my family and friends. I certainly miss them a lot of the time and die to catch up with them. Still, Lemont has a finite amount of opportunity in it, and sooner or later I’m going to have to work something out elsewhere. Internships and more professional jobs need to be on the horizon.
For the time being, just guess where I’m working. I’ll give you a hint: they own me. And there’s groceries everywhere. And it’s better than Totura’s. Ding-ding-ding, you guessed it, Debbie, it’s Chipain’s. On both Monday and Tuesday I’ve worked eight-hour shifts from 6:45 a.m. to 3. Those hours are fucking inhuman. There are some people who work that shift almost every day, like Dorothy, who’s 95 years old and hasn’t stepped out of her smock since Watergate. Hopefully this is my last week at Chipain’s considering my need for a more professional job during the summer. During today’s shift, I turned around to the front of the store in HORROR to find that Jenna Schwartz (of LHS drama fame) has walked into Chipain’s wearing a green smock. This means she is my coworker. I’m sorry. I did not bargain for this. Puritans were nowhere in the contract I signed. My ass will so be out of there if it’s the last thing I do. I’m going to look around for other job openings tomorrow, I think… maybe even at Mailboxes Etc. where Katie Erk works. Of course there’s Follett’s, the money factory where Jim slaved away last summer. God dammit, I just want to stand in the Haunted Trails money chamber and grab at dollar bills all day. There it is. That’s my new major: Money Chamber Studies.
More important than all of this occupational bullshit is my new fucking cell phone! Guys. It flips open! There are ringtones! I can take pictures of myself until I die! I can record video of myself saying, “Fuck me, baby” (!). My mom got the cell phone as part of a contract deal with T-Mobile, so now I am just rolling in the badassitude of being able to be heard when I call my friends. And girl, did I ever download “Lose My Breath,” “Work It,” and “La La.” If you are Sarah or Kimmie, you better be calling my ass all the time, because I want “La La” greeting me every time I look at that phone. I’ll download more classics in the future… I mean, what would my phone be without “Open Your Heart,” “Hung Up,” “You Learn,” and “Milkshake.” Not a phone at all, that’s right.
I also dropped a small bundle of money the other day at the mall with Corey. Count up these sweet deals: 14.99 for a fitted blue hoodie from Express, 9.99 a piece for polos at H &M, 14.99 for a thin casual-dress shirt from H&M, and 29.99 for hot Gap jeans. I felt like SJP racking up all this stuff. My new hoodie is my favorite addition to my closet… I’m scared about washing it and having it shrink to half its size, so I’ll probably just never take it off.
And now for a segment I like to call “Louis Virtel’s Extreme Loss of Innocence 2006.” Here we go. I just learned that Austin St. John, formerly the red Power Ranger Jason in The Mighty Miorphin’ Power Rangers, stars in GAY PORN. As in: THIS IS NOT A RUMOR. IT IS BASICALLY CONFIRMED. His porn name is Brock or something, and he is built like a muscle-necked gladiator. Too bad his dick is MINISCULE! Guess we weren’t the tyrannosaurus we thought we were, eh, Jason? I will post a link once I find it again, but the Jason I knew when I was eight never would’ve posed for porn. He would’ve been too busy kicking Putty ass and jumping into Megazord. Billy on the other hand I would’ve understood. Word, this kid I know told me his mom used to babysit Billy (David Yost) from Power Rangers. He’s from Council Bluffs, Iowa, can you even believe it? Okay, so the loss of innocence isn’t over yet. After finding out info on the red ranger, I learned that Thuy Trang – aka the Yellow Ranger Trini – died in a car wreck like five years ago right before 9-11. No wonder those terrorists were pissed. They wanted Trini back. We all do. I’m prepared to be the saber-toothed tiger if we go to war with Rita Repulsa, guys. You all thought you knew mass destruction before, but wait until I morph this shit into Ultrazord. Say goodbye to Tokyo. And for the final chapter in the loss-of-innocence, I learned the other night on the E! news ticker that Peter Tomarken, the host of Game Show Network mainstay Press Your Luck, was killed in a plane crash on Sunday. I miss my Whammy man so much right now. I’m thinking of making a donation of “$5,000 AND A SPIN” to his favorite charity. Seriously, my world of pop culture is shattering around me. I wouldn’t be surprised if the damage wasn’t done yet. Watch your back, Wink Martindale.
Since break started, I’ve been hanging out with Sarah, Kimmie, Corey, Elyse, Kinga, Andy, and Amanda Deckelman. The amount of troops I’ve rounded up so far is impressive considering how few schools are actually on break right now. I also ran into Katie Erk and Adam Carter at Starbucks one night. I hope the rest of the week runs just as smoothly, and I also hope I don’t kill myself during my last two days at the register at Shit-Pain’s.
But that’s all I wrote for now. I’m going to sleep in and dream about the sacred amount of game show hosts still left on Earth. You can count them on the stars, you know. Nice chatting as usual, and off I go to get some shut-eye.
Your host with the most (girlish figure), xoxo,
Louis
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