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Kylie Minogue "Better the Devil You Know" |
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Oh, guys, hello. Hello, hello... I am breathing out right now, because I just spent the last hour at the end of my rope. I bet you can't believe I'm already back for more DJ action either. Well here are the circumstances: I got the results back from my most recent Cult Hist test... and once again, I did great on the essay and missed HALF the multiple choice. Needless to say, I went right back into anxiety-style-hell, the place where I'm chaotic, yelling, pacing around my room with fire in my face like I'm going to kill someone and their mother... it was like I was about to go apeshit, Yellow Wallpaper style. I was also crying hysterically, yelling such thoughtful things as "I'M JUST GONNA QUIT!" and "I MUST BE FUCKING STUPID, THAT MUST BE IT!" People six doors down gave me hugs because they could hear me hissyfitting all the way from their rooms. So retarded that my day started off great with another solid Acting I class, and then it had to go to this shitter. A couple things have relaxed me since my freakout... 1) a phone call with Gloria... oh my God, SO good to talk to another often-insane person who knows how to deal when it comes to insane situations... 2) the amount of time that's passed since my initial finding-out about the test has quieted me, plus I just got back from another class where I had to sit and shut up... and 3) I realized that the way the class is structured, I can still really feasibly get a B. That's incredible, I think, but it's the truth. Each of these tests is worth 150 points, but at the same time, my upcoming Historical Interview (which will hopefully be a breeze) is 175 points, and just for doing the section homework and attending section I get 250 points. Altogether I can still get like... an 875/1000, which is a B. Fine, I'll fucking take it, whatever, suck that, Frank Durham. Or do you even have the ability to suck, Frank? Being a bastardly, pisseriffic, flaky, angry shell of a human being and all? Alright, I'm being reactive, I need to stop. I'm not erasing any of that though because I am laughing out loud at the word "pisseriffic".
Anyway, Gloria recommended that I treat myself to something. So here I am. I got to leave my Earth History section early, so I caught some extra super-sacred time to have coffee with the DJ. It's stressful times like these when I really utilize the DJ to its fullest, I think... because I explore what I become when I'm at my wits' end... and today at my wits' end, I was a wolverine. My eyes still feel really tired from the anguished, tortured bawling I did earlier. Jesus... anyway, to give myself even more of a treat, I plucked a survey from Joe Ramski's xanga and am going to fill it out. Buckle your safety belts... it's going to be exhilarating.
FOODS:
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? Good fucking question, I never know how to answer this one. Hmmm, I love frappuccinos, which is kind of like a food. I love Chex Mix, Wheat Thins, Chili's chicken, Panera's broccoli-cheese soup, cookie dough, Puppy Chow (<3<3<3)... I'm an American-junk-food junkie, and it's basically always going to be that way. I love sweet things and salty things more than anything. Which brings me to another one of my favorite foods: your mom.
WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE FOOD? I hate like... super-ethnic food with no flavor. Like I remember hating the potato thing I tried at that vegan restaurant I went to with Phil. I don't really understand the appeal of mushy, flavorless food. It doesn't work as texture or as a flavor... so yeah, anything like that.
WHAT CAN YOU PREPARE THE BEST?: I can prepare a mean pop tart any day of the week... you guys might know me by my real name (Wolfgang Puck).
FRIENDS:
WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? I think "best friend" status is a bit overrated if you ask me... people's feelings get hurt that way. However, I can say the person I'm probably closest to is Rachel "Douche-Ass" Fields.
WHO IS YOUR GREATEST ENEMY? I think I love this question. It implies you have many enemies and that it's hard to rank them. Haha, can't I just give a top 10? Hmmm, well, generally if I have enough "beef" (I couldn't be hipper) with someone to the point where he's an enemy, I'm anxious to get it out of the way... unless it's forces that are impossible/ridiculous to deal with. I mean, look at the great pantheon of my former enemies: Samson, Catherine, Jake Christiansen... each one of those examples was the both of us determined to hold onto a grudge. Nowadays I just throw those old things by the wayside... however, there is one person... I guess because he's determined to hold a grudge and hate everything about me, Joe Deardurff is my biggest enemy. Because that's apparently the only way we can function. It's retarded, but it's true. Actually, it's just sad. But oh well. Que Sera Sera, (what ever will be [fucked up]... will be [fucked up]).
WHO CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO? I'm pretty much an open book as it is... I could honestly say I could tell this DJ (and you reading this, subsequently) about anything. I'm an open floodgate here. In a more one-on-one way, I do tell e'rything to Rachel, Alyssa, Sarah, Kimmie, Feej, Corey, Eric, and Gloria... I could also tell everything to Elyse, Katie Erk, and Erin, even though I'm not as in touch with them. I like divulging to anyone who's not just... a receptacle for information... people who are as active in responding as they are in listening.
WHO CAN YOU ALWAYS EXPECT A GOOD TIME FROM: Any of the aforementioned people... plus people on my floor like Kinzy, Maggie, Kristina, Patch, Meghan... and I always get a good time out of Alex Trebek at 2:30 on Channel 7 in Iowa City. We're so close.
MUSIC
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SONG WRITTEN ABOUT YOU? Only a couple. Prince's "Sexy MF"... Billy Joel's "Piano Man"... anyway, no song really comes to mind, minus Scott Potter WAY back in the day and his stirring ode, "Junta".
WHAT SONG MAKES YOU CRY?: Nothing new I've heard recently is especially sobbable to me... some classic tearjerkers for me are "California" by Joni Mitchell (I can barely handle watching her perform it), tons of songs by Aimee Mann but mainly "You Do", Alanis Morissette's "Head Over Feet" (hearing the opening chord brings me right back to Tiffany's house in Wisconsin when I was 14), and the Carpenters' "Goodbye to Love". I love that song so much. Untouchable.
WHAT SONG MAKES YOU HAPPY? Well, really, all those songs mentioned above really do make me happy because I think they do a good job at pinpointing an emotional issue of some sort... but if we're talking smiley happiness, I of course can't get enough of almost any Madonna song, especially (as of right now) "Vogue", "Cherish", "Crazy For You", "Live to Tell", "I'll Remember"... actually, that one makes me emotional too, which is strange... plus "Don't Tell Me", "Everybody", "Express Yourself", "Secret", "Take A Bow"... really most any Madonna. Also, Liz Phair's "What Makes You Happy" (how fitting), Destiny's Child's "Lose My Breath", all Alanis Morissette... I could go on forever, you know me, come on now.
PERSONAL:
HEIGHT: The big 6'1. Sexiest height of all.
HAIR COLOR: Darker than most brown hair but not super-dark. Maybe I'll dye it one day. Who knows.
EYE COLOR: I think Erin said it best, my eyes are a "stone blue". They're representative of me as a whole... intense but sensitive. Weird but true.
PIERCINGS: Wouldn't that be something.
TATTOOS: No, sir. However, if I did get one, I'd get the "M" on the cover of The Immaculate Collection. But even that's not going to happen.
RIGHT NOW:
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? You sly, perverted survey, you! It's post-Acting class, so I'm dressed in my UIowa t-shirt I got at orientation and couldn't-be-cooler shorts from Kohl's.
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE? Getting grayer but still a beautiful, warm, breezy day.
HOW ARE YOU? Exhausted from all my screaming and shit, but I'm recovering. Stressed as well. Confused about the future. Confused about relationships. Eager to get a bunch of money this summer. I'm contented as of now, but I wonder if I'm missing out on enjoying the littler things... as in I'm too focused on ego-based goals that I'm taking other things I love for granted. But to answer the question, "Pretty good, but I need to keep my chin up more often."
FAVORITE:
TV SHOW: I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I don't watch very much TV anymore (I love it when people say that with a pretentiously elitist attitude... as if they want you to understand they're "above television." Right, right, just like they're also above acting like a petty middle-schooler in dire need of an ego boost). My favorites as of right now, though: Celebrity Poker on Bravo, Jeopardy! bien sur, Real World/Road Rules challenges (even though the new one is fucking awful). I can't think of any "episode"-like shows that I watch anymore. I miss The Mole.
BOOK: Ginsberg! No, Kerouac! Thoreau! Did I say Thoreau? I meant HDT!! I swear I know him on an "Initials Only" basis!! Oh my God, kill me fast and now. I love I'm The One That I Want by Margaret Cho.
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Frappuccino, Mr. Pibb and Dr. Pepper (the feud must end!), root beer, floats, smoothies, and of course, milkshakes.
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: My, my, where do I begin?!From what I've tasted of beer, I don't like it... I guess I'll pick Strawberry Daiquiri because it's like a smoothie with wine in it.
CAR: You mean besides Laser? I didn't think there were any other cars! Hmmm, for a dream car, I'd say a black corvette. Not a great answer, but alas it will have to do.
HAVE YOU:
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: Yeah, all the way to Starbucks.
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: Actually, no. I don't know how I feel about that.
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: I've only said shitty things to telemarketers... they're asking for it.
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: Um. No.
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: I would skip school to do stupid shit like finish a paper. I did skip one assembly with Elyse B. I'm still cherishing that bagel.
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: No, shower time is my time to be in my own space sorting out the details of the day. Falling asleep there would be ridiculous for me.
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: Or a dozen or so, sure.
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: Never!
DONE DRUGS: I haven't, and I underestimate how nice it is to say I haven't.
RANDOM:
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? Can't say it's really mine (and Mark will NEVER say it's his), but Laser is my vehicle, and he is so hot, so cool, so ready to play whatever Kylie cd you have, and he loves to be hugged.
WHAT IS YOUR DREAM JOB? So many. Stand-up comedian. Improv performer. Actor. Super-journalist. Replacing Roger Ebert. Megastar. Whatever, I want the arts in my life, and I want to be able to talk about them to lots of people.
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: That's not my style.
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: Kylie Minogue's "Greatest Hits 87-97"
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Either a bright blue or the purple from my Express shirt. Or the Habonera Pepper red on the walls in my bedroom.
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? Friends, family, talking it out, listening up, focusing, acting, writing, the DJ (hardcore), ice cream, music, dancing, being unashamed, vacation, resolve, accomplishment, making fun, bowling, ping-pong, Gilda Radner. Many more. Let's move on.
WHAT MAKES YOU SAD? Being in a rut. Not having perspective. Feeling out of control, strung out, jealous, compulsive, frustrated, obsessive, detached, dependent, pessimistic, in-mourning, uninvolved, tunnel-visioned, uninspired, ignorant, lesser, confused... and it makes me even sadder to see people who have to trick themselves in order to believe they're happy. Disappointment from my family makes me sad... not fulfilling my potential makes me sad... hearing anything about gay people having to closet themselves for the sake of their own sanity and for the ignorance of the people around them... that's sad too.
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET? Aimee Mann's The Forgotten Arm on May 5. Perhaps Cathy Dennis' Move To This if I run into it sooner.
WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? Becoming detached and permanently jaded. Growing up and thinking the past was somehow "better." Losing any of my loved ones. Losing my own light-heartedness. Being alone forever. Being clueless after college/during college.
WHEN / WHAT WAS THE LAST:
TIME YOU CRIED? Oh, an hour ago.
YOU GOT E-MAIL: Earlier today.
THING YOU PURCHASED: Pop Tarts with my trusty Flex dollars.
TIME YOU REALLY HURT YOURSELF: Physically, when I fell down the stairs at my house and like... sprained my ankle for the day. Rectal spasms hurt like hell, but I don't think I "do them" to myself. Emotionally, I hurt myself by building up Phil to be a grand person and then denying how let down I was when he wasn't.
LOVE:
BOYFRIEND: Alex Trebek
YOUR FIRST CRUSH: Lindsay Walsh. How come you don't call no more, babe?
CURRENT CRUSH: The kid who sat next to me in Language & Formal Reasoning the other day was totally cute. He had curly hair. But if we're talking full-blown crushes, then P-Hilly is your man.
BEEN IN LOVE? I begrudgingly say yes. I feel like admitting that is like having Joe "win" over me or something... like he swindled me. Ah well. At least the game is over.
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: Good lord. Yes again.
BEEN HURT? Definitely. Mostly by Joe, but I've also hurt myself... by not allowing myself to try just 'being single' without the validation of a handjob every other day.
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: Not spending more time looking at colleges before I chose one. Honestly though, I'm not too mad at myself for that because I knew I was detached enough as it was back at the tail end of '03... I couldn't just learn to pick up and find my future during that time. So really, not many regrets at all. "There's nothing to forget."
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: Hmmm. I think I knew Mike Farnham longer than three days. Was that even "going out?" I was not made for these times.
YOUR THOUGHTS ON:
ABORTION: As... severe a procedure as abortion is, I cannot imagine having a law against it. That doesn't make any sense to me.
TEENAGE SMOKING: I wouldn't say I have contempt for teenagers who smoke, but I do think we have a hell of a lot more information about how terrible a habit it is... I think there are other ways to cope besides ingesting an artifical, addictive relaxant. I know addiction is a nightmare to beat, so to those that are addicted I extend my sympathy. I do think cigarette smoke on its own is fucking gross. And how about people who spit when they smoke? I can't handle that.
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: That's tricky. I'm all for self-reformation and allowing people to improve themselves, even it means a life in prison where they do that reformation... but I'm still torn. "Ask again later!"
DREAMS: I hate philosophical bullshit about dreams. No, dreams are not "what's really going to happen to you!!" If that were the case, I'd be giving myself blowjobs daily. Dreams are extensions of thoughts... they're when your unconscious gets to kind of weed through your feelings and project them into situations. You have dreams about sex because you want to have sex. You have dreams about getting hurt because you have been hurt or fear getting hurt. I have dreams about your dad because he owes me heroin. See? It's logical.
Woooo, that was a nice change of pace. Alyssa came in here to make sure I still wasn't ripping out my hair while hexing Frank Durham and his family. Hope you liked trotting along side me as I went through the survey. Thanks for reading in general, I'm telling you I still appreciate it and still hope you are getting out there as well and feeling heard. Love you all so much, and thank you for helping me re-attach the hair to my head.
Smiling at y'all, xoxo,
Louis.
P.S. Rachel taught me how to get pictures into the DJ. So for starters, here's one that was taken the day my little icon picture (at the top of this page) was taken. Maggie of course took this one. Look at me and Kristina. Ravin' it up on the stairs.
As one prophet noted, "JEEAHHHH!"
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