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mood |
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music |
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Kylie Minogue "Better the Devil You Know" |
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BEWARE: the subject of this entry signals that the following paragraphs will be very... psychiatrically-minded. "Psychiatrically"...is that a word? Whatever. Here we go.
Hello there, friends, Romans, countryhos. Once again I return a bit later than I should've returned, but that's alright, it's been a lax few days, not too much has been rocking my world. I've been pretty homebound as well... which means I've been overanalytical and spacey and even completely frustrated too. It's come to the point where I've gone up to my mom and told her I don't know what to do anymore. She asked me if my obsessive-ness ever takes away from my usual routine...and honestly, I can safely say it does. I look back at last semester, and I think of the times during classes when I forget that I'm supposed to be paying attention, and my mind, without fail, wanders to things it shouldn't wander to. It'd be one thing if I meant to think about these things. But I don't. Essentially, I think I autonomously start figuring out ways in my head of filling voids in myself... good lord, it's one of the few things I almost hate trying to explain. This all feels too heavy, and I feel pitiful just feeling like this. I feel like I'm stuck in the past, expecting to mend old wounds as the only way of making myself happy or something. I feel like I have so much prolonged frustration that I've been trying to deal with on my own for a good five months now... and I feel like the only way I can successfully "deal" with it is by avoiding. Basically, I don't know how to deal with it, in short. I apologize that this DJ entry is starting out like a woe-is-me fest, but after awhile, I don't feel like brushing it off like it's not affecting me. I've never been someone to delay fixing things that are wrong with me, and this should be no exception. Perhaps part of the problem is that I'm expecting certain people to step out of the woodwork and explain their actions. God, I know I'm going to look back on this entry and HATE that I am writing about this. I have so much fun with other people and love my friends and family so much, and then there's THIS shit that just puts a damper on a lot of things for me. However, I'm also looking to have people understand where I'm coming from... and I really don't know a better forum where I accomplish that than right here in the DJ.
This is one of the few things that I'm scared to write about at length in the online journal. I can't even pinpoint where the core of this issue is... the sexuality, the hurt from awhile ago (read the August section of my year-end wrap-up entry to see what I'm talking about), the lack of perspective about the future, the lack of validation when it comes to old... possibly unrequited feelings, whatever it is, it's sure a basket of roses, and it's something I don't deserve to have in the back of my mind (or right at the forefront of my mind, whichever). It's all this shit that makes me want to really seek out all the things at Iowa that I know I'm missing out on. I feel like I really missed out in not signing up for an intramural (woah is that spelled right?) sport. I think you're bound to meet really cool people when you sign up for games of friendly competition. Badminton would've been a lot of fun. God, I can't even remember the friendship that ended because of a discussion about badminton... shit, certainly not Phil! I'm just so glad I'm not bitter about it.
Alright though, many fun things have happened in the past few days. On Friday I decided to throw caution and my ego to the wind, and I went with Mike Levy to a show at the Lesnieski center. At the door was Googie, who asked me "What band are you here to see?" like I had any idea what the hell I was doing. I picked the name on the sheet that I'd heard of from Rachel, and then into the show I went, six dollars poorer. Sure didn't take me long for me to 1) feel like a dirty old man in the midst of a high school scene, and 2) sure didn't take long to realize that there's a reason I hated the Al Capps scene back in the day. It's not that the music was particularly...bad or anything, but it's just... performed to cater to an audience that isn't me. I left to go get something to eat soon after arriving at the show... and then I got bored and drove around Lemont singing all my favorite Laura Nyro songs. It was quite a time. For once, I was the one calling Sarah saying how bored I was. Later that night, however, I went with Mike to Samir's house over the bridge, and who was there but people like Ben Tasker, Lauren Neybert, Katie Jacobowski, and John Stromski. We all made smalltalk as the cinema classic Bend it Like Beckham played on the tube. Okay, maybe I'm not clued into the soccer subculture or whatever, but the lofty adoration of David Beckham was pretty chilling. No one who marries a spice girl should be exalted that much. Katie drove me home with Lauren, and I can safely say that Rachel has good taste in LHS friends. Lauren's totally going to U of Iowa next year, so maybe we'll become better friends. That'd be nice. Hmmm let's see... the following night I planned on hanging with Mike Sherry, but I didn't get in touch with him and ended up going with him to Best Buy the following day, Sunday. However, that came after I moved boxes at my dad's office for an hour, expecting to rack up a solid 50 bucks. Sadly, I didn't get anything close to 50 bucks....ha-motherfucking-ha, I got 200! Apparently it's been a really good year at the Antonopolous-Virtel law offices, because that is a shitload of money! I celebrated justly, purchasing a cheap (5.99!) boxed set of Hitchcock films during the aforementioned trip to Best Buy with Mike Sherry and getting Starbucks with Rachel after she got off "work" (aka her dad) at 7. We had our usual supa-fun coffeetalk, and I was a total bastard and sat on the other side of the table than Rachel's used to... it was totally out of control until we both had a good purge and felt healthy again. The conversation was another... I don't know, 3 hours of laughs, and the meek girl at the counter kicked us out at closing. I feel like I'm part-owner of Starbucks, being there so often. Okay, maybe I just feel like a hobo that camps out at Starbucks, I don't care, whatev.
Yesterday Feej called me up with a hankering for shopping, and naturally I couldn't resist feeding that addiction, so off we went to Orland, the second-most glamorous place I can think of (next to, of course, Bell Road, or as the upper class calls it- "The Strip"). I was excited to go to the mall because of the 200 dollar money pit of love I'd just fallen into. I got a nice white long-sleeve shirt from H&M and a zip-up black shirt from Express, altogether under 30 bucks. Feej got all mack-makeupped, and also got shit from Weather Vane and some other place. The Nestle Tollhouse place lured me in with its chocolatey logo, and I got a strawberry-banana smoothie that I was actually sorry I got after drinking all of it. That's never happened to me before with a smoothie. Shame on Nestle! Today I ran on the treadmill for a solid 25 minutes to Kylie's greatest hits because I've decided that taking initiative and doing more physical things are a step in the right direction, and I also did some tidying up at dad's office to seal the 200 dollar gift I received. And here we are, back at today, dancing like we're all in a big, badass parade. Alright. Maybe just me.
Tomorrow I've got Second City with Rachel, which promises to be a memorable occasion. Armed with our senses of direction, Rachel and I should make it safely to Second City by around 6 AM on Saturday. Hopefully the play we're seeing has some of my fave Second City-ers...namely Nyima Funk. Does she even perform at Second City anymore? I'll take her fucking place, that ain't a problem. Let's see...coffee with Eric on Thursday hopefully, on Friday I may be venturing into Chicago with Sarah, and that would be real nice. Then two days after that I'm heading back to Iowa! Jesus, I nearly forgot all about that place. I hope to do a little more spending before I go back to school, although if I remember correctly, I'm celebrating Maggie's birthday upon returning to Iowa, and we're going to a danceclub somewhere. I'm afraid Maggie might boogie me into oblivion, but that remains to be seen.
In conclusion, I'm going through some ups and downs right now, but I'm rebounding. Not saying I know exactly how to make the full recovery come about, but I'm still floating by. I've got less than a week here in L-Town, and as usual I will attempt to live it up. I want to get writing on my next No Shame sketch soon, which is either going to be a VERY SERIOUS poetry reading (here's a sample: "I wrote this poem at four in the morning at Starbucks when I was pissed at my mom...it's called "Four in the morning at Starbucks when I was pissed at my mom." Hahaha, oh thank you Al Capps, for providing me with the whackos who inspire this shit) or a Maury Povich show snippet...where I can test out my new "Hay-ell NO! HELL NO!" character.
To conclude, I am your average, everyday, sane, psycho Super-Louis. And sometime this week I want to buy a disposable camera to get some new pics up at the picture page... until then, let's keep looking upward and onward, becoming ourselves more successfully by accepting our faults, admitting our misconceptions, and connecting to our fellow man more as we do it sexily. As one prophet noted, "The only way out is through." Through we go.
Lovin' your skanky ways 24/7, xoxo,
Louis.
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