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Lauryn Hill "I Used To Love Him" |
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Yo yo, kickass people, what's up. You are right in thinking that's a Destiny's Child quote up top in the subject there; I love "Lose My Breath" like it's "Milkshake 2004"... you've got the kickass video (one so good that Kimmie and I are planning to clone ourselves in order to reenact it), the Beyonce superstardom, the Kelly-and-Michelle 'tude, the intense dancefight rhythm...all systems are just fucken GO in that song. It trumps my previously favorite new song, Gwen Stefani's "What You Waiting For"... Gwen's got her usual flava, and thank God she does because she could've just re-done "Hey Baby" and "Underneath It All" and I could've killed myself, but no, she reminded us that she rules. I really think she's gonna outdo herself even more soon, so I'll wait for that.
Anyway, that was completely relevant to all our lives right now. Sigh. As usuall, it's very nice to be here, at oh...1:16 AM, chilling with the deadjournal. Updating this thing is always my big reward when I get fed up with the monotony of school and the times when I overdose on living too much inside my head as opposed to doing what I should be doing- reaching out. I came to the conclusion today that what's missing from college has nothing to do with the college itself... it's that I just don't have too many rockingly close friends yet. I'm sure I've said variations of this to you before. It's like...you know how people say there are two different types of people, like one type of person likes having a couple of really close friends and then the second type likes having lots of scattered acquaintances and kind-of-close friends? Well I like having lots of scattered really close friends. It's hard to rekindle that in college, especially when you aren't as surrounded by the same people as much as you are in high school. Aside from that, I have found a few great compadres, namely Maggie, who I just spent the evening with. Our original quest was to rent horror movies we heard about on Bravo, but that got cancelled quicker than a baby at Planned Parenthood (love that joke), and we rented comedies instead, the winners being Waiting for Guffman and Annie Hall. We didn't get to watch Annie Hall because we got caught up in talking about pressing issues such as "Don't you fucking HATE that bitch on our floor?" and "Oh God, don't you just wanna fucking go to a CLUB?" and "What's your favorite Lauryn Hill song?" However, we did both enjoy Waiting for Guffman and in addition munched on popcorn, Twizzlers, Reese's, and Milky Ways and drank Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper (which actually just tastes like Dr. Pepper with LESS flavor! Fucking A!) because we are actually better than everyone else I can think of. It was great talking to Maggie throughout all of our hermit-like partying...I think we're both having the same adjustment issues in college (the lacking of superclose friends) but we find resolve in opening up to one another and being light-hearted and gossipy. I don't think Maggie's quite used to offering up her whole self to people early in a relationship whereas I'm pretty lay-it-on-the-line in that respect. It's not like there aren't repercussions for being adamantly...out there and extroverted, but for me I'd say it's worth it overall. Again, though, shit happens...
I've vented about this quite enough today already to Rachel and Maggie, but this is worth putting in the DJ. There's been an onslaught of people hurtling the sentiment of "YOU'RE SUPER GAY, LOUIS!" at me lately, and just about none of it has been fun. If I may provide some examples to explain mahself...my Speaking & Reading teacher came up to me in front of the class today and said, "I thought you'd like this." He gives me an article about The Simpsons, a show I've never given a real shit about and have never expressed any liking towards, and the headline of the story is, "WHICH CHARACTER IS THE GAY SIMPSON?!" I see. Because the word "gay" is mentioned, I clearly must be completely interested in the topic at hand. By trade, I, a gay person, crave tender asshole 24/7, you see...it's just about all I think about (besides shopping, Cher, and my abusive father). But wait, the fun doesn't end there. My friend Rollin was walking around my floor's hallways last night, drunk as ever (that's protocol with him) and he's stumbling and talking to me drunk and he goes, "Oh yeah, my roommate Joe doesn't like you...he says you're too gay." Okay, fucking one, it'd be good if I had any idea who this Joe character was, and two, too gay? Shit, I better bake less mousse and not tape as many episodes of Trading Spaces. What the fuck kind of comment is that? Again, I don't even know Rollin's roommate, so for this guy to have such a...formed, judgmental opinion about me that he's willing to share is just a little bothersome. But there's more. My friend Alisa from the Performing Arts floor raced down here yesterday with a skit she wanted me to participate in, and today her roommate (my friend Kelly) was like, "Uhh yeah, she didn't even check with anyone else to make sure they could all wanted to perform, she just said she wanted you to play the part because you're flamboyant." Then she said, "I know, I was offended FOR you." Okay, in case anyone is in the dark here, being called "flamboyant" isn't exactly the most complimentary term I know. I prefer "kickass" and "better than you". Lastly (but certainly not motherfucking least!), I was chatting with my friend Molly down the hall, and she said she wants to sketch everyone on our floor as a video game character, and I was all psyched about being drawn up...and Molly goes, "Hmmm what character should you be?" and then Erin, a tepid ice/cow-bitch who's gross as hell, says, "I'm sure we can find a flamingly gay character for Louis!" Look, Bessie, I don't know where the fuck you grew up that casually calling someone "FLAMINGLY GAY" works as a term of endearment, but you obviously weren't and aren't too hung up on respect and compassion. Sure hope Molly draws a cartoon of you too...I'm sure we can find a shitheaded, pretentious, condescending ogre-bitch character for you! But I say it with love! Oh fuck that shit.
All these events happened within the past two days...it hasn't hurt my feelings or anything, but it's just surprising how casual people are in addressing gay people in such a degrading, stereotyped fashion. Perhaps I was a little cruel up there to Erin from down the hall. She can't be all bad. Then again, she can't be all good either. Whatevz!
The coming week is hell. I've got a six-page Soc Sci paper, a debate to participate in, another debate to attend, a Pop Music exam, a Psychology requirement to fulfill, a Lit of Rome paper, and a possible monologue to memorize. Basically, I'm gonna fucking earn Thanksgiving this year (even though Thanksgiving is another one of those holidays that isn't high on my list of favorite things), and I'm going to earn my week vacation back in Lemont. That reminds me, I'm supposed to email Mr. Clark to find out a good time for Kinga and I to bug him and the other LHS faculty for awhile sometime between Monday and Wednesday. Mrs. Rafacz wrote me a really nice note at the end of my last paper at the end of senior year encouraging me to visit her, so I'll probably say hi to her too...and of course, Mrs. Holland, Erc-dawg, Roddy (haven't seen her in forever, she might still be on maternity leave having eleven babies or something though), Sharon, Prangen, Jodi Nye, Mondo, as well as the high school kids themselves I can't get enough of. I personally plan on scouting out Rachel's class, barging in, and challenging her to a jive duel. Along with Mr. Aspel. That man just makes everything funnier, doesn't he. He seriously argued that his last name was one syllable. It's stunts like that that really makes a professional like Mr. Conoset look overqualified.
Hmmm let's see... it's been a week now, and there hasn't been any contact with Phil after that dinner from hell last Thursday. I have the urge to call him and be like, "How about we talk this out?!" but...what's that worth, really? Maggie made a good point that Phil is fucking waiting for me to call him so that he can continue being-friends-with-me-without-caring-what-he-does. That conclusion validated that if Phil and I are ever going to talk again, he needs to step up. Uggh I'm SICK of people who don't take initiative after a bout of shaky conversation. Phil fucking provoked the argument too. It's strange how many people consciously relaize their own visions of relationships are skewed, but decide to firmly BELIEVE in their skewed visions anyway, and then try to force it onto others. Phil in particular: "It's better to be disconnected, Louis!" Me: "Well then why do you even leave your room if you want to be disconnected?" Phil: "Because I have hope that I'll connect with people!" Good, not a contradiction at all, I'm glad we're being logical. I might need to hire a U-Haul to tug that pretentious shit back to sophomore year of high school where it belongs.
I'm pretty sarcastic in this entry, aren't I? Hahaha, for a change! Here's some more icing on the fucked-up cake... Maggie showed me my RA's livejournal site... and on livejournal, you can have like, links to other friends and other "rings" of friends that are basically discussion topics you and your friends are interested in. Okay, as if this isn't the most messed up thing I can think of, my RA has ties to topic-rings like "Thinspire!" which is, GET THIS, a ring that advertises itself as "a community about eating disorders. This is were we post our trigger pictures that help us along the way." In other words, it's not a mental-health community...it's a community devoted to EGGING ON the practice of self-starvation and thinning oneself to the point where they're finally "happy". Okay, did the intellects over at "thinspire" forget that in the phrase "eating disorder," there happens to be the word disorder?! What the FUCK!? In that community, some members show pictures of like...superskinny models and actresses in effort to address the community's main concern. If I may quote: "It's hard, but we're here for you! You want the perfect body; you want the perfect soul; get it! Be thinspired!" That's so much of a blatant low-self-esteem appeal that it "thinspires" me to puke all over this keyboard. I love the member in the community who uses Audrey Hepburn, a notoriously anorexic actress, as her thinspiration for the "perfect" body. Perfect for what, exactly? I've dwelled quite enough on eating disorders in the past two entries, but fucking come on, my RA belongs to this community. She's supposedly a voice of reason.
Pardon how delightful these entries can be sometimes. Delusional mindsets in relation to self-image and self-betterment are the big things that twist my gut. It's stuff like this that makes me realize I can't be a psychiatrist... there are too many things that objectively get to me that associating them with people I'm supposed to help out is pretty fucking overwhelming. Who knows, maybe social work is the future though...I'd probably like that. There's less dependence on a social worker, I think. Joanie Hamburger <3, always be mah sweetheart. Ahh, now THERE'S a woman I haven't talked to in awhile! I'll revisit her too.
Back to reality though. I'm still having times pretty consistently where I wind myself up thinking about brutal past experience and where it's left me today. Generally I can learn to not stay in those periods too long...it's really a matter of keeping extroverted and aware and not sunk by monotonous strains of bitterness and contemplation. I think it's easy for me to fall into those ruts because...I just don't have a heck of a lot else to think about, things are fucking fine elsewhere. I mean come on, you know me, can a truly unhappy Louis even exist? Does that even work? Frustrated Louis, sure, but not Unhappy Louis. I should really talk about myself in the third-person more... it's so not-ridiculous sounding, you know?
Alrighty, I'm outta here for now...as far as I can tell, I'm doing a respectable job at keeping it real and striking the Iowa pose 24/7. My next entry (some time next week) may have to be a short one because of all the shit I have to do, but knowing me I'll get a kick out of avoiding homework and just end up DJing for 400 paragraphs about the political implications of "Work It". Hope you guys are rocking out and embracing yourselves and keeping the honesty open and out there. Hope you're feeling like you deserve to be where you are with who's around you. Only one week to go till an entire week devoted to turkey. But for now we feast on the daily grind.
Love you guys with everything I've got, in good times, in bad times, in worse times, and in the times where we feel isolated from the big picture.
With everything I've got,
Louis.
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