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Til Tuesday "Do It Again" |
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Oh you guys. Hello. Not sure even where to begin, only because not so much has happened this week but then again, there have been a couple key moments of...confusion and strangeness. What else is fucken new, eh. Also, this is definitely a time where advice has been flying at me from all directions, and for one of the first times in my life, I don't know who to trust (let alone trust lil' old me).
I even hate to think about it. We all know I'm talking about Phil here. After that wonderful conversation we had where he passively said about every mean thing in the book, he called me a day or two later for some reason and he asked me to go to lunch with him the next day and I said, "Phil, I don't want to go to lunch with you." And I didn't. I didn't want to hang around with someone who could be so carelessly callous that his FRIEND's feelings wouldn't even occur to him. And he's like "Woah, is there a problem?" And I said, "Um, yes, Phil, and it's pretty ridiculous to me that you can't realize that." Phil got all concerned and said, "Well let's talk this out, are you doing anything right now?" I sighed, not really wanting to even have to bring all this shit up, and I said, "No." We met up at the lounge at his dorm, and he sat across from me...I was looking sharp in my red iZod and sleek blue-striped shirt. I felt pretty empowered, pretty ready to confront the situation at hand. Basically, if anyone has the nerve to casually insult me to my face, they shouldn't get away with it. Especially when I've done my best to be nice, done my best to be friendly. I've really taken enough low blows and pointless shit said in defense in my time. Really. So I approached this conversation with bitterness and discontent. Phil on the other hand seems to think we're great friends at this moment, and he keeps trying to play me Broadway tunes off his laptop. I remained unamused. I laid out the situation for him, basically, "Why the fuck would you say the things you said?" And he's like "Well I wasn't going to sugarcoat what I first thought of you." I then explained the difference between honesty for the sake of caring and honesty for the sake of carelessness. He didn't have too much to say in response to that. Mind you, this conversation was not an easy one to follow logically...for every concern I had, Phil didn't really respond with things pertaining to the situation but with like...backstory about himself: "Well Louis, I've never had a best friend before." How that relates, I have no idea. Another line: "I just opened up about myself because you wanted me to." And from then on I was so confused about what I was even addressing anymore that I just let the conversation go where he wanted. That's weak of me, yes. However, one key point in the conversation had to be when I asked him why he was "weirded out" when I brought up past experiences of mine, and then Phil pauses and then like...brings himself to say, "Louis. Did you ever consider...that maybe...I'm intimidated by you...?" Well. Not exactly what I expected to hear, but at the same time...being intimidated by someone generally doesn't provoke one to make shitty remarks to him. So I didn't know what to make of that comment other than it was kind of overdramatic. Eventually, Phil gets semi-fed up and says, "Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry about whatever I said, I'm sorry." I must've had my head down on the table at this point. Then Phil says, "Here. This is for you." He plays a song on the laptop he has with him...and it was some scathingly cute song from the musical Avenue Q about how there's a very fine line between love and nothing at all or something... and throughout the song Phil looked me in the eye and made gestures as to animate the lyrics. Guys. It was adorable. Yeah I said that. Please, if you can't hit me with tomatoes from where you're sitting then fucking send them to me via email or snail mail. I deserve them. Phil then invited me to lunch the next day. And here we are. Back in the saddle again.
And Phil, Mr. Mixed Signals, continued his streak of confusing the hell out of me last night at the DDR get-together at his dorm. He was talking with some girl about having a horror movie night, and then he looks at me and goes, "Louis, you're going to go...right?" And I'm like, "I don't know, maybe." He then says, "If you went, I'd have someone to snuggle with." Did that just happen? Did he just say that? That was nearly a PT "can i lube your ass and fuck it?" moment. Anyway, I left DDR night early because I had to study for a Pop Music quiz, and then Phil goes, "Wait...what are you doing for breakfast..." And I'm like, "Fuck if I know." So we set up breakfast. He ended up sleeping through it, which was fine because I needed more time to study and because I had previously slept through a scheduled breakfast with him. He called me and apologized at least... and now we're scheduled for dinner tonight.
So what's in this for me? Well. I think a lot of the reason I'm hanging around (as opposed to nearly ALL the advice I've taken where I should turn tail and run) is because 1) I want to see this through, 2) I spent too long a time premeditating this fucking relationship that abruptly halting it seems like too much too soon (I understand this is a bullshit reason) and most importantly, 3) Phil is not a terrible person...as a matter of fact I have fun with him, though I do sense myself searching for answers in silence throughout our hanging out. I figure if I have a big college fuck-up, I better make it an ultra one, so I'm With Stupid until I decide there's other fish in the sea and that everything won't go to hell if I'm left alone with no other semi-understanding gay individual to chill with.
Whatever. I've done worse things, I'm sure. Maggie made this note, "I dunno, it seems like things are just going to stay the same or just get worse." I see where she's coming from. There's something about Phil I really like (though I am much less attracted to him than I once was), and I think it has to do with his silliness and irreverence. Maybe that's all a facade. Good lord. Where are Rachel and Starbucks?
Speaking of that, next weekend I am sooOOOoooo coming home. The event is making such big news that they're calling it "Homecoming weekend" in my honor! I know, I didn't think the town would go that far either. Some shit is happening for sure: it's me and Rachel hardcore hanging out, it's me, Sarah, Kimmie (maybe Feej and Eric?) partying with the Duff sisters like it's 1999, it's me getting my yearbook and being stark-raving-embarrassed at the shit I wrote for my little caption next to my picture (if I recall correctly it's like those little things I put at the end of deadjournal entries...very "love yourselves" and "save the rainforest" and such...not that I don't believe in those things but I don't want to come off like a motivational speaker off his rocker either. Haha, me? Off my rocker?! Please, ALL sane people search for information regarding new seasons of The Mole on a weekly basis!
Here comes another tale in my becoming-regular episodes of Todd Being Awesome Again. Today he couldn't find his wallet, and so eventually he was kicking the door and having a fucking bitch-fit all over the place. He finally finds the thing, and then he leaves for a second, comes back, searches around for God knows what, and then mocks my way badass Til Tuesday tunes, asking, "Is this Debbie Gibson?" I nearly asked, "Are you a damn rat with the eyes of Satan?" Then Todd of course got philosophical (and completely sensical) and said, "Don't worry about people finding shit in this room...no one comes in here...this room gives off bad vibes. Everyone knows that. Don't you agree, I mean everyone knows." Uhhh the only shit that's been giving off bad vibes is the "artwork" on the door that looks like the work of Helen Keller in mid-tantrum. And I replied to Todd with, "Umm, I don't know of any bad vibes." And he says, "Louis, you can't be so predictable" and leaves. That's the level of common sense I deal with around here. Thank God for the likes of Maggie, Meghan, and Christine.
I got my haircut by cute Jenna the other day. She charged three bucks, and that was right in my price range. I like what she did with it...not so crazy about the front, but I can flare that up. What I'm trying to say is that I look like Billy Idol. Alright, not so much. Same ole Louis. A little trimmer. One step closer to being the sleek superstar of a lifetime.
Alright, though I'm not hungry I guess I'm heading out to dinner shortly with the one and only Phil. Do I look forward to it? Hmmmm...I'm fascinated with what could happen but I don't know if I'm necessarily enthralled to see this individual. He has a lot of earning back to do.
Sooner or later I'm going to really take part in No Shame theatre with Christine. And then maybe I'll do a monologue on my own too. Until then...who fucken knows. I have a feeling this entry was bland and pretty unremarkable, so...sorry about that. Pretty soon I'll get myself wrapped up in a prostitution ring and start selling babies on the black market. Just so we all can get our kicks. Off I go to find my destiny (or eggrolls at Hillcrest, whichever you prefer).
Love you each. Express, don't repress. Honkies.
Louis.
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