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mood |
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 discontent |
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music |
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Madonna "Shanti/Ashangti" |
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Hello, beautiful motherfuckers. This will be a short entry I'm sure, seeing as I have class pretty soon and I'm basically just dropping in to... get a few things out of my system. Maybe this will turn into a slew of things I want to get out of my system. The system is a complicated thing, so I dunno, maybe there's roaches or some shit in there. Time to get exterminating, beeyotches.
Hmmm, in short, I'm conflicted. The director of my play (though a douchebag, from what I've gathered) is pretty right when he says college is a time to learn independence. I'm learning that, I guess...but I really have times where I'm, honestly, frightened at how dependent I feel. There will be times I'm doing homework or reading or frustrating myself where I seriously get the idea that, "Well ugggh, if I were hanging out with [insert name here, maybe Rachel or Phil or whomever], THEN I'd be having a good time." This is scary for a couple reasons. One, what kind of attitude is that? Like... "well shit, I can't have a good time right now unless I have THIS SPECIFIC PERSON with me." Also, here's another thing...I barely know Phil, and already I've built up that he's some sort of confidant and some sort of friend I can't find elsewhere. I get frustrated because I don't know if he really likes me or not, then I think, "Why the fuck am I striving for some sort of serious relationship with this person?" I hear myself when I'm explaining my position with him to other people...and I think, God, I am analyzing his intentions like they're the doings of Christ. When I actually am hanging out with Phil (as in just a few minutes ago at lunch), I guess I have an alright time, but I lose myself in attempting to entertain and keep conversation going and...I dunno, perhaps I'm trying desperately to put some actual foundation under the image I've built up to the sky.
Recently I've realized I'm over-determined in trying to establish this relationship for a few reasons: one, past experience has taught me that intimate trust can be a fleeting mistress, so establishing trust and doing it right is like...a huge priority with me. Also, how bout that I've grown up thinking no one could love the entire me without being weirded out or that in order to feel lovable, I must prove my "lovability" at all costs. It's just like the motherfucking Literary Festival from high school...the fucking feeling of "you're only good if you can KEEP being good"...that being "good enough" is equal to being "accepted". That being "accepted" is the same thing as appreciating what I've done for myself. That praise from others means I can finally be okay with my talents and myself. I am such a fountain of issues right now.
Also (and perhaps more realistically and more appropriate to the situation at hand), I think if I allow someone to know me for me, then the other person will want to open up as well. Still kind of scary: does that mean I'll divulge and give everything up and lose myself just for the sake of getting someone else to like me? The thing is, if I have an episode where I, say, try to be Mister Funny in like a dinner setting as a means of feeling accepted...after dinner, I just feel like shit. I feel like I've focused all my energy on just...establishing my persona as opposed to really listening to others. And here's fucking news: I LOVE listening to others...why the hell am I so bent out of shape trying to prove it's impossible to dislike me. That's kind of dipshittish of me. Come on. I can't please everyone, and I shouldn't want to. Just look at the mess that ends up happening when you try to do that. That's what killed Judy Garland. Besides the mountain of drugs.
I'm so not used to not having close connections all around me, and I'm trying to make do by formulating a new connection at pedantic pace. Also frustrated because conversation between Phil and I isn't flowing as...stream-like as I would hope it would? He says he likes listening to my stories...and I like listening to his...God, how bout I give it time. This is one of those times where generally I'd run into Eric Forst online at 2 in the morning and be like "Here's all my bullshit, YOU sort it out." Oh Puppy. I miss you so!
Okay, I'm going to really breathe out now and explore other things besides my weird-ass skull. The play starts tomorrow, and actually, I'm down with that. I've missed a new line every practice for the past three practices...which inevitably means I will miss a new line on performance night. Which will it be?! Stay tuned!
For anyone reading who may want to see the play:
The Tale of Little Lily
September 23rd-25th (Thrusday-Saturday)
Theatre B, $2
Please love me.
Okay, rereading my previous paragraphs, I think I got a little caught up in my frustration and perhaps got too rambunctiously analytical (for a change...HA). Really, I'm just unsure as to why I put stock into some things that aren't really huge deals, or why it's hard to feel at home, or who I can really turn to in confidence and in trust around here. Searching for that trust. I have a lot of it at home, and then here it's like, the minute I find someone who seems like they communicate like I do...I just get nervous about handling them the right way and not fucking it up and not taking things too fast. Really, I'm doing quite alright...finding that independence, slowly and surely...and dishing my shit out at the journal while I'm getting there.
But now class calls. I'll be in touch again soon enough. Hope you're all having a marvelous time doing whatever the hell it is you do. I'm still learning.
Almost there,
Louis.
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