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mood |
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 discontent |
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music |
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Joni Mitchell "My Old Man" |
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Hey guys, I've squeezed in some time to update this bad boy. I'm guessing the five-day wait between entries will become typical, so...sorry, I'll pick a fight with the deans if I have to. The days at Iowa keep rollin' along nonchalantly with neither extreme highs nor extreme lows to pep or fuck things up. It's all pretty much the same thing all the time. Things are generally always "just fine"...and really, I don't know if I like that. I guess I've got my routine set, sure, which is a good thing...but rarely are there events that really spruce things up. I'm pretty sure this has to do with the fact that I'm not intensely close with anyone here yet. I've got quite a few friends (i.e. Maggie, Christine, Kristina, Tess, Alycia, Danny, Meghan, Patch, all very different and pleasant to hang around), but I guess if I must quote Joni about it, "it's really not my home." I think I'm a little more used to people opening up to me more voluntarily. In college, I'm not as forced to hang around people, so the people I do hang around with I can generally have good conversation with but before long, we part ways and I probably go back to my room and work on my Cheez-It binging. I don't think I feel lonely, but don't feel entirely connected either. And here comes the 7th-grader statement of the millennium: most of the people here don't...know me. It's strange the image I seem to have projected. I've never been in an environment where I'm...first of all, known to everyone as gay (I was even interviewed about sexuality by Christian, a guy a few rooms down the hall...this is someone who had even had to ask me, "So, are your parents married? Happily?" Come on, everyone knows Lee and Gloria rule America). Also...I think some people are amused by my quirkiness, but I really don't think people catch on to my whole sense of humor. Look, people, if you're going to befriend Louis (and of course you will), you're gonna have to accept the pop culture references, the snappy retorts, the mockery of people with problems, the occasional racism, the occasional joke where the punchline is "fingerbanging" and the flamboyant bad-assness. It's all one package, baby. I'm like a souped up PC...I burn DVDs and e'rything. Anyway, back to making sense...I'm praying that I'll be able to open myself up more and not be judgmental and have people who love me for me and all that. That'd be pretty ideal. Me and Maggie are already pretty tight...a few days ago she was down because there was a mix-up over the phone with some lady, and we bonded about that. For awhile we've been supposed to go out and get coffee, but now that I've got damn obligations, my plans seem to be getting cut shorter and shorter.
Speaking of those plans, I haven't told you the news: I got cast in "Lily: A Dragon's Tale" and I'm Gorphin, the part I did mention to you earlier. So hooray, right? Well sort of...except that I have a shitload of rhyming lines to memorize and the play is SEPTEMBER 23RD-25TH. Whaaaaat?! The world is supposed to operate like the LHS Drama Club, and I'm supposed to have until November 94th to get my shit together. Guys, I'm getting pretty anxious in a scared way about this. Practices are about five times a week, and they're about 4 hours each...so it's not like I won't be exposed to the script a lot (oh yeah, I haven't read the damn thing all the way through yet either), but I don't know...I have 150-200 lines or so, if not more. Wish me luck. The director of this whole thing, Nick, is this guy in his early twenties who insists on projecting this false innocence all the time. He's always biting his pen coyly, and making girlish eyes when he's thinking...and of course after every practice he goes out to drink with people. He's also a DJ...and he was big into the ecstasy scene a few years ago. I just want to tell him...look, cut the innocent crap, I know you've had a shitload of butt sex with older men, so stop the act...because you ain't the actor here, babe. Everyone drinks and smokes around here, by the way. He does, most of the actors do, Todd does, my friend Alycia does...Iowa's the land of Nicotine and dreams, and so far I seem to be seeing a lot of the former and only snippets of the latter. Sometimes I wish I had a river, people. Not the Iowa one either.
Of course you need your Todd update too. Lately he's been coming home stoned and drunk (for a change) and the lines of communication between us seem to be blurring more and more each day. He's so goddamn hard to like...engage in real conversation, as in one where he's not just ranting about what he is and isn't. Quite possibly, this is the hardest person to level with that I've ever met. Still, he seems pretty cavalier about using my stuff without asking if he has to. He certainly seems fine with drinking and probably smoking in my room. Honestly, I really want to ask my RA if I could switch roommates...Todd may even be a good person, but...I just don't like being around someone with such a reckless, delusional mindset. I came home from rehearsal at like 10:45 today, and as I was unlocking my door to come inside, I hear Todd yell "DON'T COME IN, LOUIS. DON'T COME IN." So for the love of God, I didn't come in. A few minutes later, Todd walks out and following him is a female friend. Last I checked, Todd was gay. Not tonight, apparently. Here comes some appropriate punctuation marks: (?!?!?!) I don't understand how some people function, I guess, and officially, that's a good thing. It's coming to the point where I don't feel compelled to even try to sort shit out with him. I already know it's all going to be for nothing since he doesn't have any real regard for anyone. We're talking about someone who goes out by himself and tokes up with the Iowa City bums late at night. One day this will be very funny. For now, being in close proximity with this guy is just horrifying. Just now, he told me (supposedly in jest!) "God fucking dammit, Louis, give me my pen back so I can fucking throw it your head!" So I said, "You know, I'm really close to telling Amy I want a new roommate," and he goes, "Good! I hope you go up to that fucking dike and say 'I want a new faggot' you fucking faggot." But it was all a joke, hehe! He just wanted to get his friend Sherry out of the room, so hehe, I should let that go! Fuck no, bitches. I need to get Todd the hell away from me. Around him, I'm bitter. And uncomfortable. And I never, ever feel at ease around him, nor do I ever feel like myself around him. I really think that says something. A lot, really.
Sarah and crew are coming up on Saturday, I guess. It will be beyond great to see her and Rachel and whoever the hell else is riding on the Lemont wave over to Iowa. Seeing people who view me as a multi-dimensional human being will do me good. Actually, I sure am generalizing by deciding that everyone at Iowa thinks of me in a certain way. Well, let me rephrase: I feel like a single-faceted thing around most people here. I want to say "giving it time" is the solution, so....I guess I'm waiting it out. Well, not much waiting, actually, more like bookwork, reading, navigating, memorizing, and being punctual. All of these things are like...deterrents from actual emotional involvement. Again, I'm not alone here, but I'm not especially attached or a part of the whole scene either. My dorm is my oyster...and as of yet I'm not 100 percent sure what I feel about that, but I guess if I have to think about it, it must not be something I'm too proud about.
I went out to breakfast with the guy I've mentioned in previous entries...my buddy Tess set it up, and she was there as well as her roommate and so was my dancer friend Christine. Phil, the guy in question, didn't really understand the gravity of the situation...he just thought it was breakfast. Oh Phil, you skinny little dance major you...one day you will know. For now... you will only twirl. I was kind of awkward at breakfast...I was a little too insistently trying to be funny, but Phil didn't seem too bugged by the whole thing. He was actually very nice, funny, and...if I'm not mistaken, I'd say his voice sounds almost exactly like mine. He's also smart. I doubt anything will come of this, but you know...it's nice to be hopeful about something in this damn state.
Anyway, I need to get working on my lines. Changes need to happen around here...and maybe they're on the horizon. I pray to God I find the same camradarie in the people around me that I have found in my friends at home. Hope I meet some more fun people. Hope I can open my heart and accept and feel great about the people I'm with. I hope this plays changes from "routine" and into "home". I love you guys so much, keep in touch (even if you're Sarah's drunk friends...I love you too).
Learning in many ways, I suppose,
Louis.
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