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mood |
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flawed for life and loving it |
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music |
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Liz Phair "Love/Hate (Original Demo)" |
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Top of the morning to all y'alls (literally, it's 12:45 AM). I felt like I could've done a better job explaining and venting the other day, or maybe I'm just not used to not gabbing for paragprahs, but nonetheless, here I am again, and here I go again. During weekends, time where I inevitably spend some time alone, chilling out, I get to thinking. And lately it hasn't been as hard to be by myself and not over-analyze things to a pulp and it hasn't been as daunting or difficult when I analyze myself into only more questions that seem like hell to answer...even though it's not as hard, that doesn't mean I don't want to just vent all the time, because I do. As a matter of fact, I wish I could talk openly like this all the time, I wish I could constantly be at a point where I'm honest and outright and not caught up in things. Then again, maybe if I was never caught up in things, I wouldn't appreciate the relief that comes out of fully explaining myself. Anyway...
Today Elyse called me early in the day asking me to come to her house to play frisbee. It was beautiful outside, one of the first nice sunny days of the year. It was windy as hell as I discovered when Elyse and I attempted frisbee in her backyard. The frisbee wasn't controlled by either of us, rather, it was some form of voodoo that moved the frisbee in psychosomatically dizzy patterns that would make no sense to any mortal. Voodoo = strong winds, by the way. It was also damn cold in those winds, so me and Elyse went back on our plan to make use of the sunny weather and decided to barracade ourselves in her basement and play Mario Kart. Dan came over as did Kaylin and Kimmie. My car ride back home was great: open windows, pumping up the Liz Phair and shouting the words to little kids on the sidewalks. Yes, you guessed right, my middle name is "bad-ass." Then earlier this evening, Mark had like eleven of his friends over for a giant Halo party/orgy where my mom went apeshit and bought tons of food and pizza, of course. Like the conniving little sex machine that I am, I reaped those rewards. Called Elyse again, and I went back to her place with the general camradarie of kids. I took Katie Erk's spot in a monstrous Monopoly game where I should've been bankrupt many times except for the fact that I kept slipping by with my three properties of almost-importance. Game night was a blast.
I've also been informed that someone told Rachel that I've mercilessly backtalked her and said something along the lines of, "I wish I was never friends with her." I don't mean to be vulgar, but if you're pussy enough to fear me when you're around me and then to say statements that are false and stretched out of proportion beyond belief, then I suggest you get your priorities in order. And if you think you're "just telling the truth," well guess what, cracker, I could tell the truth too about you. Watch your fucking mouth, you will get your just desserts if you ever try to mess with any of my friendships. Can't you just move on? This paragraph probably didn't deserve my time. I probably shouldn't have written it or addressed the issue right here. Fuck it.
And in wishful-thinking news: I can't wait to find that kindred spirit... where is he/she...will I be able to recognize he/she at first glance? Will we be able to communicate gracefully? Will it be a long time till this happens? Hmmmm. I sit here pondering if I even want that right now. Actually, if it would be possible for the future kindred spirit (if he/she is reading), could you hold off a few months? I think I want to chill out and play Super Nintendo for awhile and kill time and get inspired and sleep in. Get myself back to the garden. I want to play Street Fighter and Jeopardy and let myself not feel pressured to perform or produce art like a compulsive, maniacal nightmare. I want to hide out too. Hide out then report my findings to the masses. But still be hidden. Is this really Bjork-ish? Have I gone mad/Icelandic? I think the best thing to do is to sleep.
I think I should sleep. I'm feeling much better, I'm always improving. What I want to stress is how much I support all of you and how much I'm with you through this transition-season time of year. We're all dealing with problems, and we're all learning how to make do with the problems we can't deal with. We're all still learning and we're all still ourselves. Through these things, we are still connected. No one should feel alone, not when there's too much love and intelligence and truth out there. If I've got one thing to say, it's that the truth and the appreciation of the truth will set you free. Don't kid yourself or make excuses for your flaws. Guess what, we've all got em, so accept them as true, and wah-bam, you've recognized your own awesomeness. And in the words of Elyse Brannigan, "I am still awesome." And flawed. And yeah, those are synonymous. Bye folks, let's continue to transcend frustration and stupidity and continue to love.
Flying right along side your bad self,
Louis.
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