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mood |
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emotionally purged |
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music |
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Madonna "Love Don't Live Here Anymore" |
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Hello, and welcome to the exciting world of...the LHS ditcher. Call me bad-ass if you like. Actually, do it if you don't like it either. Louis ain't cuttin it anymore, babe... actually it's true, I'm not in school today like I'm supposed to be. I made an appeal to my mom today after realizing I had so much work to do on my death penalty paper. The honesty approach works every time. Raise that roof. However, God did come back to bite me in the ass when I sat here from 9:30 this morning till 10:45 writing the damn paper when suddenly my computer decided an "illegal opearation" had occurred, and then my four pages of death penalty hysteria were deleted from the world. I went fucking nuts and screamed things like "I fucking hate this" and "Fuck this, fuck this, fuck this." The vulgarity spewing from me was just beautiful, if only my grandparents could've seen that performance. After calling both my mom and my dad and freaking out about my lost document, I returned to the keyboard and re-wrote the whole damn thing. I am such a trooper... I'm like those Make-A-Wish kids, I tell you. I wish forrr... Madonna. Yay I have her.
Alright, time to blab about life. The other day I went to my godmother's house for a supposed birthday party for my cousin Bryanna. Tiffany was there, that alone was totally worth my attendance. There were other fun festivities, including Bryanna's DDR, my Aunt Sandy poking me as I tried to DDR, and Bryanna's 13 Dead End Drive game that was totally NOT like the one I have. So pissed off about that. Anyway, the visit to my godmother Colleen's was short-lived, but I might be headed over there tomorrow after school to see Tiffany one last time before she heads home on Thursday.
More drama has unfolded in the past few days and I'll be damned if it gets to me anymore. More Catherine and Joe hijinks online (and I'll also be damned if I brush it off... as much as I've said everything I need to say, their clinging to one another will never destroy me or make me second guess, and I will never, ever apologize for trying to salvage things). I've again been yelled at for supposedly trying to "corrupt privacy" or some bullshit. Look, I won't back down for anyone, I won't stop expressing how I feel because someone else's clinically ill secrecy gets in the way of how I feel about them or myself. Look, I still love all these people I'm fighting with, but if they think I'm going to back down because they've "moved on"...thats such bullshit, I don't know where to begin. "Moving on" involves as much mutual decision as does not moving on. Dropping everything isn't moving on. Pretending there's no problem isn't moving on. Pretending I don't care is not moving on. No, I'm going to be the one who moves on, not any sick fuck who thinks they can educate me about reality. I want to move on, but in a real way, and I don't know when this drama will end. One question for the peanut gallery: what about love?
If that last paragraph had you asking lots of questions like "What's going on there?" or "What's the deal?" or "Wtf, motherfucker?" then don't worry...it's all the same bullshit from before. It just got more confused recently. Oh God, why do I have this constant feeling of... being against everyone. Like my motives are suddenly impure and everything I do is so not-what-I-should-be-doing and I can't relate and I can't give anything up and I can't just tell people that this keeps on hurting. People are so sick of me talking about my same old story of love and loss and confusion and devastation. Man do I need to get out of this town.
I'm not in a terribly writey mood now that I think about it. I'm so fed up with school, sexuality, college, tiredness, relentlessness, and ignorance. I'm sick of the things that keep me from attaining the happiness I should be having, and I detest my own compulsivity and inability to get over how ridiculous circumstances are. I want to proclaim. I've such a long way to go yet I know I've already come so far in coming to terms with myself. It'll be awhile before my sexuality and my belief in all parts of myself comes full circle and elevates me to a better level of happiness, but I'm so gonna get there.
There's been an outpouring of support lately, and I must say, I am utterly humbled and made much happier because of it. So thank you to anyone who's been there for me and who's kind of come out of the woodwork to give me a real life or online-style hug. You have no idea how good that feels, honestly. I'm in a confusing place, and for those people to offer me direction and to offer their love is just a breath of fresh air, and....God...man I'm just in awe, thank you to everyone.
I can tell you this. I'm going to emerge from this, and I'm going to stop being so frustrated. How many times have I already told you this? Don't stop believing it, because I certainly won't. This day off school was well spent, and thank God I know to get out all these feelings before they eat me up. No bullshitty people or self-consciousness will ever destroy me...oh no...maybe my addiction to heroin and angeldust, but no, not self-consciousness.
Hahaha. You knew I was funny. Admit it.
Things to do: memorize lines for The King and I, get caught up in French and Stats...get everything in for my application to Columbia. Alright, it's manageable. So is everything, really. I get up again, over and over...never gonna stop. Lit fest this Thursday as well. Brace yourselves along with me. Bye for now, I feel all liberated inside.
Louis.
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