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mood |
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music |
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Madonna "Sanctuary" |
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Hey. Another Saturday in good ole Lemont has just whizzed by, and after more than a week of not updating, I'm finally getting my demotivated ass in gear and writing. I'm clad in my Second City shirt, jeans, and bathrobe. It must be party time.
I bet I really don't have a heck of a lot to do in school, but it sure feels like a mountain of everything that still needs to be done. It's just that time of year. The transition from winter to spring is semi-tumultuous... it's also hard to feel like change is abounding and to feel isolated from people in the midst of it. Connection is so hard to re-establish, I'm telling you. I guess other people probably go through the same thing with different issues, but Jesus, it's just so hard to be not straight and to know that I once could at least be "okay" with all those feelings and it's just hell to know that now I'm scrambling to even talk about those feelings. There is absolutely no one at LHS who can catch my fucking drift. Somewhere in me I'm frantically searching for that kindred spirit, someone who not only gets what it is to feel different like this but someone who is different like this and can at least recipcrocate a little respect my way about the whole thing. In theory, this is kind of selfish. I sound like I'm not looking for an indiviudal person but rather only a quality in a person, but that's really not the case. If I love a person with this quality that's similar to me, I will only love that quality if I feel I can relate to the person as a whole. This is so hypothetical, and somehow pathetic. Then again, I guess it's time to give myself credit. One day it'll be different and one day I'll have a friend/whatever who will know what it's all about. In the meantime, I've still got spectacular peeps around me. Elyse Brannigan is still my hero after all these years, I've still got a sliver of inspiration, and I've got a great family. I can't complain, but I can't be settled either. One of those things where "I've been to Canaan, and I won't rest until I go back again..." It'd be really nice to go back...better yet, it'd be nice if there was a new Canaan that showed up the first Canaan like it was but a crumb in the grand cookie of life. Take that, old Canaan.
Last night me and Kimmie drove around Lemont more aimlessly than ever before. It was close to being dreadful, we had no place to go, I was driving and clueless, and we were waiting for Feej to call us. Finally that ho called us and picked me and Kimmie up at my house. We picked up Eric too and went to Starbucks on Bell Road. I really like this group of people. Eric, Feej, and Kimmie are all a lot different than me, but I love them each respectively. We headed to Eric's and chilled and chatted too. I browsed Eric's old 7th grade reading journal...oh man, his entry about "what makes him go bonkers" was awe-inspiring... Feej's stirring rendering of the tale was equally riveting. I love those guys, and they probably don't know how cool I think they are...then again, I've probably told them. Ha, whatever.
Tonight was something else. Elyse and Dan came over and sat at my kitchen table with me, toying with the mysterious cup of dice and chatting. We planned on crashing the Jazz something Dinner Dance that we thought was taking place at LHS... oh were we mistaken, LHS was as abandoned as a church in Beverly Hills. So we did what any normal trio of human beings would do: we called up Monica's mom and hung out with her till 11. We just don't know any better.
Quick overview of coming events:
March 8th- Regionals for Scholastic Bowl
March 11th- Elyse's play, "Illuminating the Future With A Blowtorch"
March 12th- Liz Phair at the Vic
March 18th- Literary Festival
Look at all those cute events. I hate the process of the literary festival. It caters to all my stupidest ego issues. I'm being "ranked," it's like a competition, and my ability to write and write effectively is being judged. What a gay idea... to judge poetry and pick a winner. I need a moment to liberate.
I'm not straight. It's harsh sounding. I'm gay? Or something? No. Gay but attracted objectively to females? Someone can relate to this? I'm sure of that. Will they be around? Am I searching too maniacally for that person? Is there an element of compulsive behavior in my search for this person? Am I just fine not thinking about sexuality? Will I ever come to a consensus about it? Will I soon be meeting people who have contempt for my sexuality? Can I just chill out? Can I just write again? Can I find an end to this...a clear conclusion to this identity crisis? This is hard to deal with, isn't it. Yeah it really is. Why must I continuously turn my sexuality into a punchline...though I guess it's good to look at things with a light-hearted take...but making a spectacle of sexuality won't make it much easier to deal with. Will someone one day say to me "I love you unconditionally" and mean it? I hope they do. I hope this doesn't sound desperate. I hope I'm not desperate. I hope I give myself enough credit. I hope I can appreciate the better things in life, for instance: friendship, truth, beauty, connectedness, you know...all my favorite things. I wonder...through all this expressing myself am I, in fact, repressing myself? Emotional purging may work for the moment, but will it ever do me real good? Right now typing this I feel great, I feel connected, unabashed, real, and myself. I'm not bullshitting you, and I really like that I can do that. Will you bullshit me? Will you accept this? Can you see yourself in my identity crisis and not necessarily relate but sympathize? It's up to you, but hey, you seem fun, so why wouldn't you? I'm cool, for real. Alright, I'm Alanis-ing myself into circles here. But just hear me out: you and I are probably alike in a lot of ways, we're both probably trying to reconcile and become aware and get over stupid things. Why aren't we at Starbucks right now? Do you need a hug? I so do. Let's do it.
Okay, that paragraph was weird. I guess the weird stuff comes rolling out of me when I'm trying to remind myself how un-alone I really am. See, for a long time, I could keep the sexuality stuff in its own little corner. I didn't ignore it, but I wasn't constantly fretting about it. Now I feel like I'm a room full of sexuality...feeling somehow that being different isn't good enough, it isn't normal, it's a novelty, and it's something that makes me weird and a caricature and not a person. The concept of gayness is still ahead of its time. It's still a circus. God. I'm still Louis, that's not different... why should anything else matter? I'm also good at badminton. FYI, motherfuckers.
Had another rendezvous with Joanie Hamburger this week. Same ole discussion. It's basically all about what I've been chatting incessantly about in this entry. Maybe you're sick of hearing about it. Yeah. I'm sick of it being a thorn in my ass. We all should deal. I wish I had some goddamn money too. This is officially the least coherent entry I've ever written, minus the stream-of-conscious babble I had a couple years ago. That was incoherent AND stupid. I really should've inserted more humor into this. I guess I'll give it humor once I find it in this mess in general. Oh my God. I want to love someone new.
And it could be you.
I'm gone, kids. I'm all confused and curious and unable to get over myself and confused again and trying. Two more months, then LHS is done with. Two more months till the rash gets less itchy. That metaphor was repulsive. Haha. See, I knew there was humor coming, I sensed it. Anyway, bye ladies and gentlement, this is Louis Virtel. And don't you forget it.
Louis.
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