Current mood:	anxious
Current music:	The Bee Gees "You Should Be Dancing"

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together... for THE HOMOPHOBES!
OK, I truly didn't even mean to go all Advocate on anyone's ass, but in this week's "Letters to Louis," I responded to a girl who said her boyfriend "doesn't mind gays, but thinks the girly ones need to shut up," essentially. Naturally I was really pleased with this guy's conscientious, super-unselfish, and all-in-all endearing attitude. Maybe you all will enjoy the proceedings. First the letter, then a duo of rocket scientists hits us with the real LGBT education:

Dearest Louis,

I know you're sick of boyfriend questions, and maybe "gay" questions, too - but I think you'll like this one. OK, I've been dating my current squeeze for a couple months, and, of course, I really like him and his muscles and everything. That's all going well. But I'm a card-carrying "fruit fly" - I love my gays now and forever. My boyfriend says sometimes he doesn't like or is "uncomfortable" with flamboyant gayness. He says he doesn't have a problem with gay people - just the flamboyant ones. I think he's actually telling the truth, because he's perfectly nice to my gay friends in person.

I used to go to the Studio all the time, too. Not so much anymore with the BF around. In other words, help heal my life. What should I say to him?

-Love (and hate to do this,
Anonymous


Dearest queerest,

Rainbow alert! All four alarms! Homo withdrawal is happening in our own backyards! Hello, Department of Public Safety? We have an impoverished reader who needs an emergency remix of "Lose My Breath," STAT.

Don't worry, ma'am, the authorities have been notified - you will be placed with the proper queers. Your doctor has prescribed you an appointment with a well-known total-bitch gay manicurist. I've checked his credentials, and he's got just the right of dosages of self-obsession, condescension, and part-time modeling. Be sure to drink plenty of liquids and think about Jake Gyllenhaal in low-rise jeans. Then call me in the morning. We'll start you on gentle rehabilitation and relearn the words to "Turn the Beat Around." We'll wait a week for choreography.

Oh, and this just in: Your boyfriend is a homophobe. Dead on arrival. I don't mean to crucify just him, but you know he'll make a fine example for the rest of the class. Bottom line, students here think homophobia doesn't exist much anymore. But, uh, it's here. It's jackass-colored. The only difference is, well, more homophobes don't think they're homophobes anymore. They think it's "flamboyance" they don't like. They feel safe and entitled in criticizing flamboyance. What kind of prissy-ass excuse is that? Pretty sure your boyfriend has no problem with Kanye West, Jim Carrey in The Mask, or the Joker from Batman. All of those folks seem pretty flamboyant to me, in some form or another. I'm guessing they don't rub your boyfriend's backwards cap the wrong way.

But of course, the "flamboyance" alibi is an obvious ruse, even if your boyfriend, the Emperor Keystone-Light, doesn't realize it. Dig this crazy theory: Your boyfriend is uncomfortable with noticing people are gay. He's uncomfortable when gay people are comfortable with themselves. I'd love to say I don't know this from firsthand experience, but just last weekend, I was twirling and undulating with ferocious poise to "Love Shack" at 3rd Base. Straight girl after straight girl danced on me and gawked at my stupor-stardom. The wind cried my name. Then some dude with a Hollister-sponsored life jerked my shoulder, leaned in, laughed, and said, "Hey man, your dancing is, uh, freaking me out."

A bit flummoxed, I turned toward him, leaned in, laughed, and said, "Sir. It's called gay. I have it." And what did he do? Nothing. He got scared. He scrambled for composure. Went back to calling his girlfriend "Shortie," probably.

Anyway, that hombre didn't think he was a homophobe. Luckily, he messed with a righteous gay vagabond. But I can't serve justice at all times, dear. I'm not a licensed Oaf-buster, or Ghostbuster, for that matter. So who-ya-gonna-call? Nope, not Egon and Venkman. Or Lance Bass. You have to dial your own flirty self. Fear not - confronting the issue shouldn't take much effort. Just say, "You know, it's not flamboyance you're uncomfortable with." And if he still doesn't budge, you say, "It's probably that they're comfortable being gay." Still nothing? "And that they're real men." A nice pseudo-slam on your boyfriend's irrefutable masculinity should seal it. Own the throwdown, baby. Spit it like his angered mother, as if you don't even care. You know he still misses that breast milk. Big ups to my man Sigmund.

OK, OK. So maybe your boyfriend isn't totally the raving, asinine, buck-toothed, Westboro Baptist, carpenter-jeaned, Electra-complex-ed, Confederazi, tobacky-hacking owner of a Scarface poster that I implied. No, no. I'm sure I could engage in a fruitful chat with him about Mortal Kombat and such. But just because he seems not to combust around all gay people doesn't mean he's cool with them.

I want to say I'm OK with settling for that, but why should I? Excuse this flamboyant badass, but all "out" gay people make the conscious decision to defy insecurity and to be themselves in spite of others' irrational, sometimes-hateful, sometimes-hurtful, occasionally really-effing-stupid beliefs. As for the straight guys (and I love many of you), don't you think that's worth some props? Acceptance? I think it is. 1,000 CCs of manning-up: STAT.


Comment #1: Username "Sensible Human"

I will side with the boyfriend of the girl. As a "real man," you have what we call the XY chromosome, not the XX. I think you people have forgotten that and need to get some bass back in your voice. I don't have a real problem with gays, but when they start acting like a girl then it gets ridiculous. I'm sick of all this one sided stuff in this paper. We can tolerate you, but that doesn't mean we have to accept you.

My reply:
Hey there, Sensible!

Wait, what's the "one-sided" argument here again? That gay people shouldn't be maligned or mistreated for having effeminate characteristics? Yeah, what an agenda. I can't believe the DI runs drivel like this either. What a shame for us all! The DI truly needs to get back to journalistic ethics and start making sure gender stays rigidly divided. I mean, think about what's at stake -- your comfort! Yikes!

Of course, the best thing about your comment is how it illustrates perfectly what I'm talking about. You can "tolerate" gay people but you can't "accept" them? What the hell does that mean? You won't shoot them? Praise God, we have a saint on our hands! "Tolerance" is my least favorite word; as a matter of fact, it only signifies a baby-step away from "intolerance." Also, another $64,000 question: Who is "we"? To quote: "We can tolerate you, but that doesn't mean we have to accept you." I'm glad you're assuming that gay men are on trial here, like they need to justify themselves at all. Especially to moral intellects like yourself. By the way, I love that you posted anonymously -- what, you can't even stand up for your own hostile, asinine argument? Typical.

One more quote for the road: "I don't have a real problem with gays, but when they start acting like a girl then it gets ridiculous." That sounds like a real problem with gays. Also, do you really honestly believe that a "girly" gay man is, ahem, acting? You think that's a put-on? You think they're going home, throwing on a flannel, and retreating to their true lumberjack selves when no one is looking? I can assure you that's not the case.

I can also assure you that my previously stated argument -- that most homophobes don't think they're homophobes -- is right on the money. Now's a good time to remind anyone reading this that I don't have a grudge against straight men. As I said in the letter, many (MANY) of my best friends are straight men. I was born of straight parents. I enjoy them! However, I have a bitter, twisted, aggravated, seething, restless, intellectual, and awesome grudge against anyone who thinks gay people choose to be effeminate to make others uncomfortable. Sorry, sir, they're just being themselves. But of course, that's actually what's most horrifying to you -- that a gay man could be comfortable being himself despite whatever backwoods-bred set of prejudices are thrust upon him. While, say, many people would call that kind of gay person brave, you have the nerve to say he specifically behaves the way he does only to piss you off. Self-centered much? Better yet, delusional much?

Sounds like your entitlement to speak against something you know nothing about is actually the "ridiculous" thing here. Congrats on further legitimizing my entire column and putting a face (and an impossibly low bass voice, I'm sure!) to the problem.

Comment #2: Username "Taco"

"What the hell does that mean? You won't shoot them?"

If Sensible Human legitimizes the problem Virtel, you illegitimize it correspondingly with the shrill, mocking response characterized by the above quote and the "backwoods" comments.

The approach to "pride" you exemplify here is confrontational and hostile. A person doesn't have to be a homophobe for that to trigger a defensive response. Other people have pride too, and when you start tearing into someone like you just did Sensible Human, as though they owe you a groveling apology, you shouldn't be surprised when they turn on you.

The hostility does your cause a disservice. On principle I support civil rights protection for the GLBT community, but I can't help but think twice about that, when I have to worry that community advocates might label me the enemy and start calling me names because I date to question their methods...

In short Virtel, to support gay rights you should be trying to pull people like Sensible Human and me onto the GLBTAU bandwagon. Lashing out at any little perceived sign of bigotry, instead, you seem to be injudiciously trying to push people off said wagon.

My reply

Taco,

Let's make one thing clear: I mocked "Sensible Human" because he calls himself "Sensible Human" and then says, "That's ridiculous when a gay person is effeminate." That's insulting. I'm not obligated to reach out kindly to anyone, particularly if their logic includes, "Get some bass back in your voice." I won't waste my time pretending that deserves a comforting reply.

I think I'm entitled to be hostile (and sarcastic) when someone thinks degrading comments about a person's voice or "chromosomes" counts as rationale. It doesn't. Everything I wrote was a valid argument. Nothing he wrote was. Actually, nothing he wrote even resembled an argument. I hope we can agree on that.

Though this wasn't even a letter about "gay rights," I am actually sorry for you if your sympathy toward the LGBT community is dissuaded by any advocate's "confrontational" methods. I don't know one gay person who thinks straight people are the enemy, either. I certainly don't, and I've made that clear. Maybe that's a misconception many people have about gay advocates. Fact is, if you're an out gay person, in some ways you've been conditioned to curb your demands of the community and government at large, since people have such extreme reactions towards gay people seemingly even existing. I'm a pretty happy-go-lucky guy, but yeah, something about that realization makes me upset. It's difficult to emotionally resolve. Maybe others feel the same. I hope you can understand that

However, there comes a point when it's too tiring and demoralizing for me to sit and "understand" where some asinine people are coming from when they spew such mean-spirited drivel. This doesn't apply to everyone. I'm talking about people like Sensible Human -- who can sit there and say "I don't have a problem with gay people" before condemning gay men for having effeminate attributes. That's hypocrisy. That's what makes me hostile.

Last point: Let's not pretend Sensible Human was even trying to start a real "debate" here. Do yourself a favor, Taco, and never lump in your opinion with that guy again, if you really are thinking intellectually about these issues. If there are people who really want to discuss gay issues here, feel free to comment. I'd be happy to participate in that adult discussion.

Anyway. Basket full of bullshit. We'll get back to closely analyzing ABBA videos next time.

Love you guys. Thanks for reading ('cuz damn, that was a lot).

Xoxo,
Louis